Thank you for being the person you are, angel.  Thank you for every dream you’ve made come true for me.  Thank you for being my miracle.  Thank you for your infinite love.  Words can never express how much you mean to me, and a million lifetimes wouldn’t be enough to spend together with you.  Happy first anniversary - the prelude to countless more tomorrows for us; the prelude to forever.  There’s nothing I look forward to more than spending the rest of my life with you.  I love you so much James.

     The elation I felt when you called me to tell me about the good news earlier almost took my breath away.  It’s something we’ve been waiting for and we’ve been looking forward to.  More importantly, it was an important foundation of the future you have so carefully planned and laid out.  And what better time for this blessing to come than the week of our first anniversary.  I’m so proud of you angel.  Indeed, God is good, for He multiplies all our hard work and gives back to us a thousandfold.

     I remember the pressures that you went through during your training, the triumphs and disappointments you’ve met along the way, and the excruciating agony of waiting for His will on the fruition of your plans.  And I know, it was so worth the wait and the efforts.

     Congratulations angel.  I know that you will be such a great addition to the National Kidney and Transplant Institute family.  And I’m sure that not only will you be able to practice all you’ve learned and improve on your skills.  But you will also be able to do what you’ve been so understatedly doing all your life… touching lives and inspiring others.

I love you James.

     I woke up early this morning to the sound of my phone playing the message alert tune.  Instinctively, I knew, even before I reached for my phone, that it would be you.  The message I received made me smile and reminded me, once again, of how happy you always make me.  When I got up from bed, I had this unexplainable compulsion to know where I was at this exact date last year.  Or rather, where we were.

     I dug up my archives and saw the March 5th, 2007 file.  Holding my breath for some reason, I double clicked on the text file… and the conversation we had made my heart flutter and lips quiver.  And having reminisced about those moments, one thought remained in my head… butterflies.

     I have always thought butterflies to be the most beautiful creatures on earth.  In all of creation, they placed second only to the angels.  At least, in my eyes.  Their beautifully crafted wings flutter so gently as they soar with the wind, showing off vivid colors and intricate designs which only nature could perfect.

     When I was a little girl, I dreamed of growing wings on my back.  Iridescent rainbow wings that would make me similar to the creatures I so admire.  But when I realized that I can’t have wings, I thought that if I cannot have that kind of beauty for myself, then I could at least have one by my side always.  Beautiful rainbow wings that I could stare at to my heart’s content.

     And I did catch a butterfly.  I caught one between my palms, and placed her inside a glass bottle.  But when I looked at that creature of profound beauty, her wings were crooked… broken.  And she was no longer able to flutter those masterpieces for me.  And I cried.  I cried until there were no more tears left.  I cried as I watched true beauty die right before my eyes.

     It was then that I realized that what made butterflies truly beautiful was their freedom .  It was the wonder of rainbow wings draped upon sweet-smelling petals… the marvel of fairy wings silhouetted against the sky.  And since then, I was content to just catch fleeting glimpses of them from afar.

     I’ve always thought you would be a buttefly to me, angel.  Captivating yet so elusive, so near yet always beyond my reach.  But as it turned out, you brought much more than beauty and happiness to my life.  You brought me true love.  And that is much more than I ever hoped to have.

     I thought the month of love would close with me having a broken heart.  But you saved me… right in the nick of time.

     It was a painful mix of longing and loneliness, guilt and vulnerability, uncertainty and fear.  Plus a network the seemed to conspire with all the negative forces in the universe to let two hearts bleed.  I was so afraid of what’s going to happen next, but at the back of my mind I knew that you won’t ever intentionally hurt me.

     It’s true what they say, that after the worst of the storm comes the rainbow.  You have been able to, and you always will be able to, make me completely happy.  In fact, you make me so happy that I can no longer imagine myself without you.

     I love you so much James.  And as always, we’ve proved that what can’t break us will only make us stronger.  We have each other.  That in itself is enough reassurance for me that we could face anything at all and remain unfazed… immovable… and still, deeply in love.

     Why..?

     Were my words too harsh to merit such an action?  I’m sorry for hurting you.  But am I to be condemned for the things that I feel..?  I only wanted to be honest with you.  Because of all people, I knew that it would be you who could best understand me.  I wish you didn’t shut me out.  But shut me out you did… in the most painful way imaginable.

     I never thought that we’d come to a point such as this.  Now, my tears are falling twice as much.  And the pain I was feeling became magnified to an immense proportion.  I am hurting so much and yet I still love you with every fiber of my being.  I am confused.  I am cold.  And still, I am alone.

     Where do we go from here..?

     I have, admittedly, been frequently lonely lately.  As you may have well noticed.  I find it ironic to feel this way when in fact, you always give me so many reasons to be happy.  I don’t like myself much these days.  Oftentimes, I find myself sprawled in my bed and sobbing uncontrollably.  The rational part of me sternly shakes her head, saying this absolutely won’t do.  But the emotional part of me can’t help it.  I can’t help but feel lonely.  And I can’t help but cry.

     I’ve told you last night that I can’t ask for a more perfect boyfriend than you.  And I can’t ask for a more perfect relationship than what we have right now.  But why is it that sometimes, there is this queer ache in my heart..?  It seems as if our love is so painful in its perfection.

     You have given me so much.  And I hate myself for wanting more.  I don’t want to be needy.  I don’t want to be clingy.  I understand that there are priorities to be considered… and that we’re regions apart.  But even if I keep drilling those facts into my head, I just can’t seem to push this longing and loneliness away.  I hate myself for feeling this way.  Because by letting these emotions wash over me, I feel my heart slowly being encroached by fear.  And unfounded though that fear may be, it doesn’t make the feeling any less real.

     I’m tired of crying.  I’m tired of feeling this way.  The things going through my heart are causing me to lose my grip on us, and that’s the last thing I want to happen.  I just want you to hold me.  I feel so cold.  I’m sorry.  I love you so much.

     I don’t want to cry anymore.  But I can’t help it.  Not for now.  But I know things will be alright again… when I get to be in your arms.

     Whenever that may be…

     He was a star.

     I chanced upon him one night not too long ago. He was perfect. He resided mighty high up in the sky where no mortal can ever reach him; yet his luminosity reached far across heaven and earth. His brightness in the skies was dazzling; juxtaposed with all the heavenly bodies that make up the constellations, his light radiated the most.

     I loved looking at him from afar. He was so distant and yet he illuminated my dark skies and helped me get through those long nights. I didn’t mind that his glow wasn’t mine alone. It was a fact I have long since accepted. He was mysterious. He was elusive. And he was way out of my reach. I could stare at him for as long as I want and he would shed his light upon me for nights; yet, we would still be just where we are - satisfied with what we have.

-oOo-

     This essay was written on a cold winter night in Japan, December of 2006.  It was written as swirling drifts of snow were falling outside my window.  You’d think that I, being safely inside my room, would’ve been safe from the dreadful cold.  But the chill that blanketed the world outside was no match to the icy draft clutching my heart at that time.

     It has been over a year since that night, and the cold winds have long since been replaced by gentle breezes.  And the person who used to be an unattainable star came down from the heavens and turned out to be an angel who has been with me every day.  Sometimes, life has a funny way of immersing you in pain and desolation, only to turn right around and give you much more happiness than you ever thought possible.  And as always, I reiterate the greatest lesson that the fulfillment of the greatest love taught me…

     Never ever think that God’s delays are God’s denials.  In the grand scheme of life, He makes everything fall into place in His time.

     First time for me to post an entry so soon after the most recent one.  I think it’s been barely an hour since my last post.  I guess I just wanted to let this all out before I lose grasp of what I’m feeling.

     I’m sorry for being too sensitive earlier, angel.  Like I said, me not being used to you being so hyper, not to mention such a wisecracker, has placed me on the defensive.  And honestly, I didn’t like it one bit either.  I somehow knew, from the onset of our conversation, that everything would inevitably lead to a misunderstanding.  But it didn’t.  Not by a long shot.  And I’m so happy about it.  And so grateful too.

     I’m so happy that I no longer need to be afraid to share what I really feel with you.  I’m so happy that we’ve gone so far in terms of being open and honest with each other.  I’m so happy that we have both learned to lengthen our patience and broaden our understanding.  I’m so happy that we could be on the verge of an argument one minute, yet, we could bounce right back and laugh about what happened the next moment.

     I’m so grateful that you always are so considerate of me and so sensitive to what I’m feeling.  I’m so grateful that you’re so attuned to my emotions and you always make an effort to draw me out and let me express what’s inside me.  I’m so grateful that you always take the time to listen and make the effort to understand.  And above all else, I am just so grateful to have you.

Thank you for being you.  I love you so much James!~

     I’m someone who isn’t very keen on writing about myself.  I could pen out my thoughts on almost any topic, except for the topic that I, supposedly, know most about.  I guess it’s partly because my thoughts are so preoccupied with the people that I care most about that I have become so used to looking towards others rather than towards myself.  It may be good or bad, depending on the circumstances.  But earlier, when I decided to register for a new photo blog, which I called Romance in Retrospect, I was presented with the opportunity to take a look into a one-way mirror and write about the topic that I, more often than not, steer clear of: me…

     I love reading, almost as much as shopping. I like doing a lot of travelling, but ironically, I prefer spending most of my time at home with my family; either that, or going out with James, my boyfriend.

     I am continually trying to improve my cooking skills. I love dogs. I enjoy teaching. I’d like to be able to go back to Japan to teach, if given the opportunity. I’m not much of a risk-taker upfront, but I’m willing to make a lot of sacrifices for a cause or a person when I believe that it’s worth it.

     I believe in fairytales, dreams-come-true, and miracles. I’m a daydreamer and a true romantic. I cry easily and I have no pretensions of being a tough girl. The only thing that’s strong about me is my faith.

     I am a dreamer who is in touch with reality; a gamer who takes important things seriously. I love deeply and get hurt easily in the process, but that doesn’t stop me from giving all that I can.

     I am happy. I am in love. I may not be at the pinnacle of my dreams yet, but I have faith that I’ll get there.

     Surprisingly, that wasn’t so hard once I just let my thoughts flow.  And going through it again, I’m really happy because it pretty much condensed everything about me at this point in my life.  Happy… in love… and keeping my dreams intact no matter what.

     Valentines Day and our eleventh month milestone… the day dawned bittersweetly.  Despite two reasons to be happy, there was a pang of loneliness because I knew we wouldn’t be able to see each other.  But like you said, when you love someone, you don’t just show it on any particular day, rather, you show it everyday.  Nevertheless, behind the bliss was a tinge of pain.

     And then I received your call… asking me where I was, and then requesting me to look out my window… And there you were, standing with roses and gifts in your hands, and that endearing smile that I have come to know and love so well.  That precise moment, I knew, without a shadow of doubt, that you would go to great lengths to make me happy.

     Thank you so much angel.  I am so lucky to have you.  You show your love for me in so many ways that I feel as if I can never do enough to reciprocate all that you do for me.  I’m sorry if I wasn’t able to tell you how grateful I am for everything you did today, and I’m sorry if I still asked for more even though you’ve already done so much.  I’m sorry for the clamming.  I guess, the elation of unexpectedly seeing you was so profound that I wanted to be with you for as long as I can.  Too late have I realized that clinging too tightly would only serve to damage one that is so fragile.  I hope and pray that as always, you would understand.

     I love you so much James.  Thank you for today.  It means so much to me.  More than that, thank you for each and every day that you’ve been here for me.  Thank you for the infiniteness of your love.