Wishing to be somewhere else…

     James left home a while ago for his ward’s outing at White Capes Beach Resort located in Nasugbu, Batangas.  I was supposed to have gone with him but unfortunately, the outing schedule coincides with my dad’s arrival from Bacolod.  I’m left here at home and I am genuinely wishing to be somewhere else.  Well, more specifically, to be with my hubby.  Especially since I would be starting work very soon.

     Well, at least it’s just going to be an overnight stay.  I would be leaving tomorrow at around 4:30 a.m. with Mommy, Martha, and Joselle.  We’ll be picking my dad up at the airport at around 8:00 a.m.  Then we would proceed to Silang for my nephew’s christening.  James would be meeting us at the church.  I hope he doesn’t get lost since he would be commuting from Tagaytay.

     I’m feeling really sad.  I would probably spend the rest of this day in low spirits.  Oh well…

 

Alone in bed…

     I have always hated to be alone in bed.  From the time I was a child, I have always cried when I was placed in my crib away from my mom’s bed.  Even when I grew older, I would prefer to share my bed with my mom or my sister.  I was probably one of the very few college-age girls who still slept with their moms.  Now that I’m married, I feel so safe when I spend the night curled up in my hubby’s arms.  Snuggling under the bed covers gives me a sense of security and a sense of being loved.

     But my husband, being a nurse, is almost always on the night shift.  As such, I often have to spend my nights alone in bed.  Frequently, I leave the lights on to ward off my fears.  At times, I just keep the dim night light on and burrow under the covers.  Often, it takes hours of tossing and turning before I finally fall asleep.  And always, I find myself shivering, no matter what the temperature is.

     Tonight is one such night.  And tonight, more than any other time, I need my husband beside me.  But, as always, he is at work.  And because his mobile phone battery is dead, I have absolutely no means of contact with him.  Not even a kiss over the phone line to soothe my fears…  Not even a chance of pretending I’m not alone…  Sad…

 

Prickly

     The title pretty much sums up how I’ve been the past couple of days.  I have been irritable and hot-tempered.  And I have been a general test to my husband’s patience.  Though there have been quite a few justified reasons for me to flame up and become upset, I have to admit that I have been more emotional and angst-ridden than usual.

     I guess the primary reason is that I have been under a lot of stress lately.  Being an entrepreneur [or the wife of one, which is almost the same thing in my case] has many demands that I have failed to foresee.  I have only come to know the full meaning of the words “Sometimes, when you try to give your hand, people would get your arm too.”  And yes, I do realize that most of the demands are fair and justified, but that reality does little to soften the blow that they have on my emotional well-being.

     There are commitments that we make that need to be seen through up until the very end; where there’s no turning back.  No matter how much one wishes to back out on those commitments or to take back all that one has said, it is, nevertheless, almost impossible to do so.  I know that, I just can’t seem to make it sink into my mind, my soul, my spirit, my flesh, my bones… well, basically my entire being.  Every action has consequences, and I have to face up to those of my own making.

     Now, I guess I’m rambling.  My thoughts are so scattered that I’m not sure if what I’ve written even makes sense.  Oh well, I guess this is where faith comes in.  I hope and pray that everything goes well eventually.  I’ll do my part the best that I can.  And after all is said and done, I will have to let go… and let God…

 

Network Woes

     I am literally having cluster headaches with all the inconveniences I’ve experienced the past week with two of the country’s supposedly “best” networks.

 

Why..?

     Why..?

 

Whenever

     I have, admittedly, been frequently lonely lately.  As you may have well noticed.  I find it ironic to feel this way when in fact, you always give me so many reasons to be happy.  I don’t like myself much these days.  Oftentimes, I find myself sprawled in my bed and sobbing uncontrollably.  The rational part of me sternly shakes her head, saying this absolutely won’t do.  But the emotional part of me can’t help it.  I can’t help but feel lonely.  And I can’t help but cry.

 

Pain

Tell me…

Is there anything more pleasurable than pain..?

 

For all the songs I didn’t sing…

For all the songs I didn’t sing
     For all the sorrow that you did bring…
For all the tears that I have cried
     For all the times you’ve ran and lied…

 

If you would rather…

     This is one of those times when even I could not understand myself.  I am happy and content.  While there may be challenges every now and then, I still feel that I am blessed.  I have a wonderful family, a great job, and a perfect relationship.  But just when I decided to pen out my thoughts of thanks for James, I found myself writing a poem that is so overflowing with despair.  And while its contents may not be the reflection of my emotions right now, I would nonetheless like to share this with everyone.  If you would rather…

 

 

When an Angel cries…

     Ask me what it is and I don’t know why…  We really haven’t had the time to talk and see each other the past few weeks.  I really do miss him, and it’s only now that I’ve come to realize how much I have come to depend on his constant presence… It was my saving grace while I was in Japan, and the joy of my existence since I came back here…  I love him… and I need him almost as much as that…