Whenever

     I have, admittedly, been frequently lonely lately.  As you may have well noticed.  I find it ironic to feel this way when in fact, you always give me so many reasons to be happy.  I don’t like myself much these days.  Oftentimes, I find myself sprawled in my bed and sobbing uncontrollably.  The rational part of me sternly shakes her head, saying this absolutely won’t do.  But the emotional part of me can’t help it.  I can’t help but feel lonely.  And I can’t help but cry.

     I’ve told you last night that I can’t ask for a more perfect boyfriend than you.  And I can’t ask for a more perfect relationship than what we have right now.  But why is it that sometimes, there is this queer ache in my heart..?  It seems as if our love is so painful in its perfection.

     You have given me so much.  And I hate myself for wanting more.  I don’t want to be needy.  I don’t want to be clingy.  I understand that there are priorities to be considered… and that we’re regions apart.  But even if I keep drilling those facts into my head, I just can’t seem to push this longing and loneliness away.  I hate myself for feeling this way.  Because by letting these emotions wash over me, I feel my heart slowly being encroached by fear.  And unfounded though that fear may be, it doesn’t make the feeling any less real.

     I’m tired of crying.  I’m tired of feeling this way.  The things going through my heart are causing me to lose my grip on us, and that’s the last thing I want to happen.  I just want you to hold me.  I feel so cold.  I’m sorry.  I love you so much.

     I don’t want to cry anymore.  But I can’t help it.  Not for now.  But I know things will be alright again… when I get to be in your arms.

     Whenever that may be…