Fallin’

     It has taken me quite a number of years before I was able to really think about my reflection on this song.  I think now is the best time for me to sit down and type out what is in my head and in my heart before I can no longer remember or before my courage fails me.

I’m afraid to fly
And I don’t know why
I’m jealous of the people who are not afraid to die…

     Falling in love is the greatest and most wonderful gift.  The sky is bluer and it seems that flowers are blooming everywhere.  Indeed, what an exhilarating feeling it is to love and be loved in return. Here’s the challenge though; when one loves, one dies.  I don’t mean the physical death, but death to oneself.  You see, when you are in love, you place that person’s needs above your own.  Loving entails a lot of sacrifices.  Personal preferences are thrown out the window in place of something that was mutually agreed on, or sometimes, one has to choose to give up one’s own preference because love dictates it. I admire the brave ones who can do just that, make the decision to love and allow themselves to be swept by the “magic” and mystery of it all; to trust someone with their life and accept the commitment to be there for each other always, for better or for worse.

It’s just that I recall
Back when I was small
Someone promised that they’d catch me
But then they let me fall…

     It’s weird what one does all for the sake of love. It’s sad to admit that there are also those who just love when it is convenient for them, when things are going smoothly, the way they want it, the way they planned it. Love’s true colors are uncovered when trials set in. Will they hold on or will they give up?  In a world wherein there are more than six billion people, one could consider oneself blessed if one is able to find that single person who holds on with a gentle touch; someone who’d always be there to catch us, and maybe even take the fall with us every once in a while.

And now I’m fallin’
Fallin’ fast again
Why do I always take a fall
When I fall in love…

     But when we love, it is inevitable that we get hurt.  Ironically, pain and heartaches are always included in the whole package of loving.  And when we get hurt, we begin to ask ourselves, “Why did I allow myself to fall in love? To be hurt? Why am I so stupid and stubborn? I should never let it happen again!”  We go through lamentations and we swear to never open up our hearts, only to find ourselves falling in love again. But then, who can really resist the call to love?

You think by now I’ve learned
Play with fire you’ll get burned
But fire can be oh so warm
And that’s why I returned…

     The call to love is inherent and real. It is part of our humanity, to respond to love that is freely given. In the first place, it was God who first loved us and called us to love in return. Though it is not easy loving  stubborn humans, still, He loved us because it is His nature; because God is love, and with love comes His infinite grace and forgiveness.

Turn and walk away
That’s what I should do
My head says go and find the door
My heart says I found you…

     We can never turn away from our nature; that is to love.  No matter what our head says, the decision to love lies in the heart.  If only we could choose who we fall in love with, life would be a lot less complicated.  But then falling in love comes with the spontaniety of the spring breeze after a harsh winter.  We never really see it coming, we just fall.

It always turns out the same
Loving someone, Losing myself
I only got me to blame…

     I’m one of the brave ones and I’m proud of it.  I loved.  For all its magic and mystery, the joys and the sorrows, yes, even the hurts and the pains.  It was all worth it.  I may have lost a part of me in the process, but I also learned a lot of lessons.  I can still laugh at life and at myself.  I responded to God’s call to love.  It was a decision patterned after the love of God.  I have no regrets!  No one is to blame.  It is my nature to love.

Maybe this time I’ll have it all
Maybe I’ll make it after all
Maybe this time I won’t fall
When I fall in love…

     I have once built a seal around my heart to shield myself from pain.  At that time, it was something that I felt I had to do for my own sake.  But then we never can dictate love and we never can fully know God’s plans for us.  I have fallen in love again.  And I am so deeply committed to making this relationship work.  The seal I have painstakingly built has crumbled long since; the last layers of protection have been peeled off.  And though this makes me vulnerable, I choose to look forward with faith.  Maybe this time it will be forever, maybe this time “we” can make it… maybe this time there’s no letting go…  

     This song is more than just a love song. For me, it is a message of solace, of hope, of better things to come, of joy after the tears and of rainbows after a storm.  Yes, I am so deeply in love.  And through everything that has transpired and inspite of everything that may happen, I will stand by him and let him feel how much he means to me.

 

I love you infinitely James.  Happy sixth month milestone my angel…