Breakdown

     I live in a world of shattered dreams - of illusions and delusions of my own making. The sky splits and the ground shakes beneath my feet. And I have nothing to hold on to. There is nothing that surrounds me but barren air - air so thick with pain and misery that I hardly dare to breathe. There is no life here… and just as there is no life in the world that blankets me, the life within me starts to dim as well…

- excerpt from my essay, “When Love Fails“

    

     Two days ago, I wrote about being on the edge of things.  I felt like I was on the brink of a precipice with my arms stretched out towards some unknown dream, precariously balancing my weight so as not to fall.  Well, it seems that I have already toppled over in a swan dive towards the craggy rocks and crashing waves below.  And I am falling; so slowly that I feel like I’m adrift… falling towards an infinite abyss.

     I am feeling unwell.  And that’s putting it mildly.  From intense summer heat, the weather in Fukushima decided to go haywire and it brought about several patches of stormy weather over the weekend, and now, it’s high noon and temperatures have dropped down to the autumn staple of 17 degrees.  Hello fever and flu.

     It only took one word from me for my coordinator to determine that I have caught a bad case of the flu, and thus, here I am, stuck in my apartment with nothing but my lappy, my books, and my thoughts to keep me company.  I have no voice, no appetite to speak of, and no hint of color in my pallid face.  My sinuses are throbbing, it hurts to swallow, and I have a slight migraine.  Great.

     Isn’t it absolutely ironic how you tend to get sick on precisely the time when you feel that you cannot afford to be sick?  I would like to spend as much time as possible with my students, as I would be leaving soon.  I want to finish some activities and textbooks and I want them to be ready to take the STEP (Standard Test of English Proficiency) before I go.  I have evaluations to finish and activities planned out until my last day of stay.  And here I am, unable to do all those.  All my plans for the past few days thrown down the drain.

     And to add insult to injury, isn’t it aggravating that your mind decides to steer towards unpleasant thoughts when your body isn’t on tip-top shape?  It’s like having a huge cloud of pessimism and negativity looming over your head with flashing lightning and rumbling thunder in threatening intervals.  I feel cynical and apprehensive and vulnerable.  It makes me want to either cry until there are no more tears or lash out at something until I get weary.

     I’m miserable.  And I’m not very good company today.  Not even for myself.