On the edge

     Have you ever felt like you were caught between two things?  It can be both exhilirating and daunting at the same time.  And that’s precisely the way I feel tonight; teetering on the edge of things.

     Physically, I am on the brink of feeling sick and feeling well.  My temperature is normal but I have this scratchy feeling on my throat and my eyes keep tearing up.  This tells me I’m about to have tonsillitis and a fever.  I guess I have the stormy weather and an overdose of cream puffs to blame.  I’ve taken my paracetamol and I’m hoping it would prevent what’s seemingly inevitable at this point.  If there’s anything worse than being lonely, it’s being lonely AND sick to boot.

      Which brings me to my next teeter-tatter.  At this point I’m on the borderline between being ecstatic and being depressed.  Somehow, the quiet night; with nothing but the soft patter of raindrops to break the stillness, gets to me and tugs at my heart, bringing about a queer ache and a longing that resonates through my entire being.  I couldn’t even put my finger on precisely what makes me feel all melancholic.  It’s like everything is in constant motion and I’m the only one left standing still.  And in that brief wrinkle in time, all happiness dissipates, and all that’s left is the isolation.  And my vision starts to blur…

     In less than a month, I’ll be going home.  How do I feel about it?  I’m balancing precariously between anticipation and anxiety.  Yes, there’s nothing I want more than to be with my family again.  I have been so long deprived of familial affection.  There are so many little things that I miss; things I long to be able to see and hear and feel again.  And just as I think about all these things, a sudden realization hits me; no matter how frequently I have been able to talk to my family and friends, I know that there are a myriad of things that I have missed out on.  I know that this year away from home has changed me.  I have changed, but have they?  I have changed and yet, ironically, I remain the same… but will he..?

     I could feel my head throbbing painfully with all this thinking that I’m doing.  Or maybe it’s the fever starting take its toll.  I really don’t know.  But what I do know is that remaining in this state of mind would do nothing but ensnare me in another episode of loneliness.  I better heed my own advise and have faith.  After all, tomorrow would be better… I hope…