Growing Up

     Remember that growing old is mandatory.  Growing up is optional.  We make a living by what we get.  We make a life by what we give.  God promises a safe landing, but not a calm passage.  Take comfort in the fact that if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

- Kahlil Gibran

     

     Alone… with only whispered yearnings and quiet longings for company.  This would be the single most melancholic natal day celebration I’ve ever had.  I’ve told my friend Paul earlier today that it seems that there are more reasons to cry than to smile today, and for a moment I believed in that statement will all my firm yet forlorn conviction.  Nevertheless, I negated that statement a few moments later.  There are, of course, so many reasons to smile and be grateful.  I guess that was just my inner child speaking, the one that has been deprived of whispered endearments and loving touches for almost a year now; a year that has been so full of learnings and challenges and realizations that it feels like a lifetime… almost…

     At midnight, my first greeting came from James [ thanks angel *hugs* ].  Followed in quick succession by several IMs and calls from various family members and friends.  I was touched that so many remembered, even more so because they cared.  But when all was quiet and I was alone in my bed, the tears started… and for some reason they won’t stop.

     I remember thinking that I would gladly trade all the greetings in the world for a single hug.  One that is heartfelt and full of warmth.  I felt cold.  So cold.  The physical numbness was tolerable. It is, after all, the beginning of autumn.  But the emotional numbness settled like a dull ache inside me, echoing through the silence and the stillness around me.  And then I prayed, with all the despondency of a child long deprived of a parent’s touch.  I prayed with all the intensity of a girl seeking comfort in a loving embrace.  I prayed for all my hopes and longings… for all those that I hold near and dear.  And somehow, a little of the melancholy lifted.  Because I knew that in a way, I wasn’t alone.  And that He, as always, is listening to me.

     I will be going home in a month’s time.  I will be going home with a changed perspective and a deeper appreciation of things.  I grew old another year today, but I feel that I’ve grown up a couple of years through everything I’ve learned and I’ve been through the past year.  I still have my fears.  Fears that sometimes loom so big that they almost consume me.  But it’s something that has to be faced.  And while it’s true that not all the things we face can be changed, I guess what we should remember is that nothing can be changed unless it is faced.  And so I hold on to my faith, and I believe that it can get me through this.  There is, after all, a lot more reason to be happy and a lot more things to look forward to.

    

 En garde!~ I’m ready to do a lot more of growing up.